Are you able to do the splits? I can’t. And I’m not simply speaking about me as a grown-up.
I couldn’t as a child, both. I used to be a kind of women who wasn’t naturally versatile or tremendous athletic. Even my somersaults have been a bit pathetic; simply ask my elementary college PE instructor. Maybe that’s one cause I gravitated towards pen and paper.
However I do know individuals who make the splits look simple. Possibly you’re certainly one of them.
Both means, right here’s what I’ve realized about most people who can do the splits: Studying to do them wasn’t simple and it didn’t occur in a single day. The splits are solely easy for these individuals now due to hours and hours and hours of time, effort and uncomfortable stretching.
But it surely’s not simply bodily flexibility that requires time, effort and uncomfortable stretching. “The power and willingness to regulate one’s pondering or conduct,” as Dictionary.com defines the phrase flexibility, does too.
3 causes we may be rigid
OK, so perhaps you already know somebody born with a versatile character or nature. They modify. They adapt. They’re cool to be round since you’d by no means silently label them as “cussed” or “tough.” Possibly you are that particular person.
There’ll at all times be these people who fall into the Myers-Briggs or Enneagram character sorts that are typically extra amenable. And let’s simply say, they aren’t the extra Sort A personalities. Did I point out I’m extra of a Sort A character?
Being versatile doesn’t come naturally for many people. Whereas I’ve grown in being extra adaptable through the years, I nonetheless battle with adjusting at a second’s discover. My preliminary response to a brand new or sudden change is commonly, “Um, no, thanks.” So, I can relate to Peter within the Gospels each time Jesus’ plan was completely different than his personal. Let’s simply say I’m certain there are occasions I’d have warranted a “Get behind me, Devil!” too.
So why do I, and maybe you too, are typically rigid? Listed below are three important causes I’ve seen in myself and others.
1. We’re caught in our methods. My husband Ted was 36 after we received married. So after I promised, “I do,” I figured there may be areas the place he was caught in his methods. Maybe he had a “good” means of loading the dishwasher. (He didn’t.) Or perhaps he’d insist I proceed to take my footwear off on the door. (He did.) However regardless of my seemingly sensible expectations, what I didn’t anticipate was his toilet towel territorialism.
Yep, you learn that proper. Ted was territorial along with his bathe towel.
After years of dwelling with roommates whom he requested by no means to make use of or contact it, he was caught in his methods. He needed me — his brand-new spouse — to observe the identical toilet etiquette. Now, it wasn’t like I needed to make use of his towel. I favored having my very own. But it surely was the “not even by accident touching it” that received me. Bizarre, proper?
However we don’t should be single for a very long time to be caught in our methods. Once I began grad college at age 22 and lived in scholar housing, I opted to not share an residence. Why? As a result of I didn’t know anybody at college. I didn’t wish to adapt to a stranger’s means of doing issues. At 22, I used to be caught in my methods.
2. We consider our means is the fitting means. It doesn’t matter what facet of the COVID vaccination argument you’re on (and that is actually not meant to supply commentary on both facet), there’s an opportunity you don’t wish to date somebody who believes in a different way than you do. In that case, you’re not alone.
There are fairly a number of current articles on how vaccination standing impacts courting. A number of of them observe how some on-line courting apps have added vaccination badges customers can add to their profiles. One article even reported that “Courting.com mentioned 86% of its customers record the vaccine as a deal breaker — no shot, no date.”
Just a few years in the past, vaccination standing wasn’t on most individuals’s professional and con lists for potential mates. However right now, whether or not somebody is vaxxed or not — and the political opinions their determination might or might not level to — is turning into a spot of inflexibility. There’s a variety of prompt judgment of others primarily based on one determination. Why? Effectively, as a result of in our polarized society, many people consider that our means is the proper means.
A robust sense of being proper isn’t restricted to vaccination standing, although. We see it additionally in our response to how a roommate thinks the kitchen needs to be organized or how clear the particular person we date retains their automobile. And don’t even get me began on how another person drives. Proper now, Ted and I’ve an ongoing “dialogue” about why I’m not utilizing cruise management as a lot as he does.
3. We wish to be in management. Over a decade in the past, I began experiencing panic assaults. Every time one hit, I felt uncontrolled. My coronary heart raced and my chest tightened. Respiratory grew to become onerous, and irrational fears tormented me. Certainly one of my responses was to manage what I may. I’d sit down and take deep, gradual breaths. What does this should do with being rigid?
I’ve discovered that many people are typically rigid in a single facet of life after we really feel uncontrolled in different areas. It may be that there’s no management over marital standing. Mr. or Miss Proper merely hasn’t come alongside but. Or maybe there’s a demanding boss who offers no freedom at work. These conditions could make us grasp for management anyplace else we are able to discover it.
Because of this, we turn into rigid. We maintain so tightly to manage within the areas we are able to command that we’re unbending. Some individuals we all know would possibly even name us — gasp! — a management freak!
How inflexibility hurts us and others
Generally we’re unaware of how our inflexibility hurts others in addition to ourselves. Whereas I may offer you a protracted record of the way, let’s simply speak about two of them.
1. It shuts others down. The primary factor I’ve seen is that after we’re rigid, we are inclined to dismiss others’ ideas or preferences. Once we do that, it shuts others down. It devalues them and their enter.
Bear in mind how I discussed that my preliminary response to a brand new or sudden change is commonly no? Effectively, it took me virtually 19 years of marriage to comprehend how this was hurting my relationship with Ted. My unwillingness to hearken to and entertain his concepts was consuming away at our capacity to attach emotionally.
2. It stunts our private progress. I don’t bear in mind who mentioned it first, however we’ve all heard that the one fixed in life is change. However after we’re rigid, we’re preventing in opposition to change. We’re refusing to regulate or adapt in sure areas of our lives. And when that occurs, it stunts our private progress. As a result of right here’s the factor: Not all change is dangerous, proper?
Simply suppose, what might need occurred if I’d determined to share an residence in grad college? I’ll have made a lifelong pal. Or maybe I’d have realized some new recipes, been launched to a pastime I had but to strive, and even been higher outfitted to share a rest room after I did marry.
When it’s OK to be rigid
Now, for all of you “however what about …” readers, let me take only a second to affirm that, sure, there are some issues in life about which we needs to be unbending. For instance, the basics of our religion and absolutely the fact that Jesus is who He says He’s. He’s totally God and totally man, and He died on the cross as a sacrifice for us, rose from the grave and conquered dying, and ascended into heaven the place He intercedes on our behalf.
So, whereas I feel it’s OK to this point somebody with a special opinion on vaccinations, they shouldn’t have a special stance on Jesus. Do they consider He was only a good ethical instructor whose disciples staged His resurrection? In that case, be rigid. Skip the missionary courting, and perhaps don’t exit for a cup of espresso or a spherical of mini golf.
Flexibility takes apply
Should you’re struggling to be versatile, there’s hope! You are able to do what these split- and somersault-capable individuals do: apply. Listed below are a pair methods to get began.
1. Hear. Should you aren’t certain the place you may be extra versatile, hearken to others. What areas do they need you to bend in? And think about that they might have stopped requesting as a result of they know you aren’t versatile. You’ve shut them down one too many occasions. You might have to ask them immediately how one can be extra receptive to their ideas and preferences.
2. Begin small. Maybe you’re too younger to recollect the film “What About Bob?” (And perhaps I’m courting myself by even mentioning it.) However when you’ve got seen it, you might bear in mind the phrase, “Child steps.” In different phrases, begin small. Be versatile in little issues. As you do, you’ll construct your flexibility muscle groups.
Go forward and flex your flexibility!
For many of us, there comes the cut-off date after we’re most likely too outdated to be taught the precise splits. (I write that as a result of I’ve hit that quantity. OK, perhaps I hit it a few decade in the past.) However age isn’t a disqualifier for studying to be extra versatile.
So, go forward and put a while, power and uncomfortable stretching into turning into an individual who adapts and adjusts. Your folks, household and coworkers can be thrilled.
Copyright 2022 Ashleigh Slater. All Rights Reserved.